Couplet Poem #5- The World's Handiwork

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/19/12-million-years-of-porn_n_2332138.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

A report has been released by pornwatchers.com

It reported some findings which dropped quite a bomb.

People have been busy watching porn after porn

Their computers must be tired, their mouses must be worn

1.2 million years if of porn viewed in just six years

What is becoming if this world is one of my fears

Apparently people don't get out that much

Because they are too busy watching porn and such

Find a hobby, take a walk, visit a faraway land

And pretty, pretty please spend some time away from your hand.

Limerick #12- Sloppy Sam

Not quite sure why it took the media 19 days to get a hold of this one but it's out there now....

http://www.newsnet5.com/dpp/entertainment/celebrity/ex-abc-news-veteran-sam-donaldson-charged-with-dui

Sam Donaldson was driving around

In Lewes, DE where I live, a small town

He got pulled over by the town's best

and failed his field sobriety test

And DUI is what the officer wrote down.

Limerick #11- That's Ballsy...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/17/christine-meyers-ran-over-boyfriend-burned-scrotum_n_2317741.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

A girl fought with her boyfriend

But there the story does not end.

She ran him over because he was drunk

It burned his chest and tore off his junk

Hopefully, these results she did not intend.

Couplet Poem #4- Walk It Off, Crybaby

I need to write a poem but I am just not in the mood.

I need to write a poem but I have a bad attitude.

I am sitting at work and the day is creeping

So much to do but wish I was sleeping.

I am busy with work and the holiday bustle

But this day is crawling and I want it to hustle.

But I need to get over it and toughen up

Because that's what you do when you're all grown up.

I have so much to be thankful for and yet I whine

Even though the day is warm and filled with sunshine.

Just get through this week because hard work pays

And then we'll be off for the next 11 days!

Rhyming Couplet #3: Stool for Sale

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/12/human-poop-coffee-kopi-luwak_n_2285038.html?utm_hp_ref=food&ir=Food

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about cat poop coffee

And how it is an expensive Indonesian delicacy.

Then the craze included elephants and raccoon.

Now there is a person in Portland crazy as a loon.

You can find him on Craigslist peddling his poo

For $30 a pound.  Is that a deal to you?

Couplet Poem #2- A Cheatin' Fool

My mom cheats at Words with Friends

I call her out but she'll deny it till the bitter end.

"Why would I cheat?" she will often exclaim.

"Cheating is for cheaters and cheating is lame."

So I will let you, the public be the judge

Do I have good reason for holding this grudge?

She plays words like rehem, yente and glady which have no meaning

From that alone, in my favor you should be leaning.

And then there are words which I guarantee she never knew

Such as an ephod which is a vestment for an ancient Hebrew.

And Kainit which is a salt of potassium used in fertilizer production

My mom is cheating and that should be your deduction.

I love my momma and I don't mind her winning.

But cheating is sinning and sinning ain't winning.

Couplet Poem #1 Teabaggers Never Win

I can't believe this guy is going to jail for this.  What a waste of taxpayer money to convict this guy.  If someone is unconscious in a restaurant, they deserved to get teabagged.  

http://atlanta.cbslocal.com/2012/11/29/ala-man-gets-2-years-in-jail-for-videotaped-obscene-act-following-bcs-title-game/

The BCS game was over and done 

So an Alabama fan decided to have some fun

He put his nuts on a passed out LSU fan's face 

It takes balls to teabag in a public place

But it was caught on video and he got his ass sued

Now he's going to jail and his ass will belong to some dude.

Limerick #10- Tinky Winky likes to drinky drinky..

http://batshitcrazynews.com/2012/12/tinky-wink-impersonating-hockey-player-busted-for-dui/

A young man with so much promise went to a party

He put on a costume and got a bit naughty

He drove drunk while dressed as the Teletubby, Tinky Wink

He blew a .30, a lot more that just one drinky drink

Not exactly what you would call a smarty.

Acrostic #7 Get Your Shop On

And.... it's here.  Black Friday time.  Strap on your helmets.

B astardization of capitalism
L uring consumers
A dvertising incessantly
C amped out in tents
K illing time

F renzied and freezing
R ushing the doors
I  nciting riots
D ragging down little old ladies
A ll so you can save $30
Yea for Christmas!!!

Acrostic #6 With Turkey and Booze, You Can't Lose!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!  Have a great day and hopefully you are fortunate enough to spend it with friends and family.

T ime for turkey
H anging out with family
A nd spending time together
N apping and watching football
K ids running all aroumd
S aving room for desert
G ood for your soul
I nstant rejuvination
V odka makes the day even better
I cy alcoholic treat
N o driving necessary
G ive me 15 more!

Limerick #9 Road Trippin'

http://www.facebook.com/danoslakesidepub

Waiting impatiently for the end of work to near

Our trip will take us 450 miles from here

Off to Ohio to celebrate with the fam

We'll change clothes, get in the car and scram.

And wind down at Dano's with a super cheap beer.

Haiku #18 Twinking It...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/19/twinkies-may-survive-pabst-brewing-company-pbr-buy-auction_n_2158928.html?utm_hp_ref=food&ir=Food  

Blue Ribbon and Twinkies

A hipster douchebag joygasm

Cheap enough for all!

Shakespearean Sonnet #11 Dog Gone?

Here is a little something to get all of the crazy PETA people who care about animals more than humans all hot and bothered.

http://www.weirdasianews.com/2012/06/30/10-ways-eat-dog/ 

People from around the world eat different food

Some things are strange and exotic to us

And some, if eaten here, would start and all out feud.

Some folks would protest and others would cuss.

When eating Chinese food many often joke

What on earth is this mystery meat?

And it is cultural so don't judge these folk

Because they'll eat all of Fido, even his feet.

There is hard boiled dog, dog spring rolls and stir fry

Dog meat steamed buns and dog jerky.

But try to understand before you vilify

Because they might think it's weird that we eat turkey.

It is easy to judge those things that make you uneasy

But I have to admit, the thought of eating dog still makes me queasy.

Limerick #8 Lucky 6's

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/15/sam-ledward-turns-106-aft_n_2130784.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news&ir=Weird%20News

In 1936, Sam went for a motorbike ride to get his kicks

He had a bad accident, with more than just a few nicks.

The doctor went ahead and declared him dead

And to the mortuary his body was lead

But they were wrong and today he turns 106.

Haiku #17 Bearding Out

The obsession with facial hair and fake facial hair rages on.  Movember, cinco de mustachio and now this.

http://fab.com/sale/12302/?fref=ad-116038638&nan_pid=116038638&frefl=Facebook%20Ad

Oh, silly beard hat
How warm you keep one's face
Great for bank robbing....

Acrostic #5 Moving on.... to the bar

 Well, election Tuesday is over and another hump day is almost in the bag.  So what's next?

W ork week is 60% over
E lection is 100% over
D enial is just beginning
N egativity still runs rampant
E ventually people will move on
S top pissing and moaning
D eal with what’s in front of you
A nd have a hump day drink
Y ea for happy hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Limerick #7 Who's it gonna be?

Happy election day?  

Today, of course is election day

We elect the man our tax dollars will pay

No matter who we choose

Progress will lose

Because the blame game is the new "American" way.

Limerick #6 Tub Snake

So thank you to Massachusetts for this story and a million thanks go out to Rockwell Long for the poem.  This is my first subcontracted poem and I think it delivers.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/04/keith-paro-python_n_2072534.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

There once was a man with a boa

Who thought his girlfriend was a ho-a

She got crazy in the place

So he hit her in the face

And now the snake is no mo-a.

Limerick #5 Pug and Boots

My friend is super mega famous!  Thanks, Sandy!  Those are her red boots and her not so smart but very smelly dog!

http://www.myfoxphilly.com/story/19956378/some-residents-in-delaware-feel-lucky

Rachel went out to walk her smelly ass dog

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy's morning fog

She went to check on her momma's casa

And Fox News stopped her and asked "que pasa?"

And her experience I decided to blog.

Shakespearean Sonnet #10 (Extended version) One Hell of a Night

It is impossible to leave this one untouched.  A special thanks goes out to New Jersey and drugs for making this one happen.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/23/jargget-washington-new-jersey_n_2004884.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news&ir=Weird%20News

Jargget Washington was in Jersey City

just hanging out on a Monday night

He scored himself some PCP

and now finds himself in the limelight.

Cops found him in the street straight up nude

and took him to the hospital to get checked out

He spit at the cops and got increasingly rude

Even ate his hospital bracelet... what's that about?

He is released from the hospital and more crazy ensues

Dressed in his hospital gown, cops put him in their car

where he thought it might be smart to take a dump and let it ooze

And yet this story still gets more bizarre.

They get him to the precinct try to get him booked

And he decides to gnaw off his finger and swallow it down

Part of me dares to wonder how that scene looked

Cause this man is the new official mayor of crazy town.

Drugs, nudity, and self mutilation too

Finished off by a grown ass man sitting in his poo.

Haiku #16 Skunked

Here is a story out of Pennsylvania.... With any luck, I will get one from every state if I just keep at it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/22/girl-mistaken-for-skunk-shot_n_2000340.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

I see me a skunk
I'ma kill that big ol' thing

Oops.... just shot a child.

Shakespearean Sonnet #9

Here is a crazy from California.... I wonder what it is like to be insane...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/17/terri-graham-mother-breastfeed-dog-photo_n_1974596.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

Terri Graham is a mother of two

She was unable to breast feed her kids

 Which is something that many women do

So take a guess what Terri later did....

Her oldest daughter is now nine

And her dog Spider is a little pug

Terri breastfeeds Spider like that is just fine

And on her boob little Spider does chug

Terri has been doing this for over two years

She says it makes her feel complete

The response has obviously been lots of jeers

To a woman letting a dog on her teat.

This lady is as crazy as crazy can get

I hope that no one I know would ever breast feed a pet!

Haiku #15 Incest is best

A big thanks to Massachusetts for this gem.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/17/robert-amanda-larrivee-incest-tv-theft_n_1973938.html

Brother and sister

Trying to steal tvs, or...

Rockin some incest?

Haiku #14 Cafe au Cat Shit

Indonesia has found a way to combine two of my favorite things.  Happy day!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/17/cat-poop-coffee-expensive-less-acidic-not-everyone-a-fan_n_1974851.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

A cat poop coffee

The new Indonesian craze

Oh so delicious.

Acrostic #4 Hump Day

Happy Hump Day everyone!

H alfway to the weekend
U nimpressed thus far
M uddling through the work day
P raying for 4:30

D reaming about Happy Hour
A ttempting to look productive
Y et actually doing nothing.

Shakespearean Sonnet #8

Going international today with a story from South Africa.

http://autos.yahoo.com/blogs/motoramic/preschool-teacher-caught-hauling-19-kids-minicar-gets-163645531.html

A teacher wanted to reward her students

for doing a great job in glass

What she decided wasn't quite prudent

In the U.S. someone would have kicked her ass.

She wanted to take her 31 students out for a treat

and decided to drive them to a nearby mall.

So in her tiny car she put 19 children, 11 alone in the back seat

Dropped them off and went back to get the rest of them all.

People were concerned when children spilled out the car

So they called cops to tell them the deal

and while the drive she took wasn't very far

How she thought this was ok is just unreal.

The cops gave her a ticket for a 170 bucks

Now I am not a parent but i know that this teacher sucks.

Limerick #4

Those crazy Floridians done figured something out about the giant eyeball.

http://www.grindtv.com/outdoor/blog/36539/floridas+giant+eyeball+mystery+solved+it+belonged+to+a+swordfish/

 

Remember how Florida found that big ol' eye?

And they weren't sure whether it came from land, the ocean or the sky?

Scientists took it and did their scientist stuff

They found the answer and interestingly enough

That eye came from a swordfish and that is no lie.

 

 



Limerick #3 Dead and Deader

Steering away from Florida today.  This one comes from Beverly Hills.  A sadly ironic story.....

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/08/hearse-driver-found-dead-while-transporting-body-in-casket/1#.UHg_eG9qRBQ

A man was driving his hearse through the city

He was busy transporting a dead ol' bitty

He parked outside by a hotel

He must of been feeling unwell

Because what the cops found wasn't pretty.

Haiku #13

Ha!  I will give this one to the church.  Every once in a while they can be funny.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/12/church-halloween-display_n_1960857.html?ref=topbar#slide=1576448

Church and Halloween

Church, Halloween and Star Wars

Match made in heaven?

Limerick #2

Florida never lets me down....

http://www.grindtv.com/outdoor/blog/36349/giant+mystery+eyeball+discovered+on+south+florida+beach/

On the beach in Florida they found a giant eye

An eye so big it couldn’t come from a guy

This eye is bigger than a full sized baseball

They found one eye but where is the rest of it all-

Is it in the ocean, on land or up in the sky?

Limerick #1

Florida strikes again. You can never miss with those crazy kids!

http://news.yahoo.com/whoops-florida-governor-gives-phone-sex-number-meningitis-003025979.html

The Florida governor gave out some info

but the info he gave was meant for a nympho

He meant to read the number for the meningitis hotline

but transposed the numbers when he read the sign

And has experienced a new all time career low.

Haikus #11 & 12 Toddlers Gone Wild

This is such a crazy one that you get two haikus for the price of one!  I could probably write five more on this subject but here you go.

http://www.globalpost.com/dispatches/globalpost-blogs/weird-wide-web/fight-club-kids-sees-daycare-workers-charged-delaware

#1

A kiddy fight club

Day care workers cheer it on

Classy, Delaware

#2

 Babies punch babies
Day care workers think it's cool
Can't make that shit up

Shakespearean Sonnet #7 Klepto Nun

Ok, this story is pretty hilarious.  A nun caught on tape stealing beer and 4 loko.  Times are hard even for church folk.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/09/nun-caught-stealing-beer-four-loko_n_1950711.html?utm_hp_ref=comedy

A nun took a trip to the convenient store

Perhaps to buy some chips, soda or ice cream

But something came over her as she walked through the door

and what she did would make Satan beam.

This sweet little woman who had taken an oath

Of poverty, piety and being devout

Helped herself to some beers and 4 loko

via the ol' five finger discount.

This proves that temptation comes after everyone

This urge must have been sent directly from Satan

We are all vulnerable, even a little old nun

As a result she will spend time in purgatory awaitin'.

Jesus eventually forgives because that is what he does

Because every now and then a nun needs to rock a little buzz.

Shakespearean Sonnet #6 Death by Roach

I am not the prissiest girl in the world but I do happen to hate roaches.  No sum of money could ever entice me to take part in this contest... lucky for me...

http://news.yahoo.com/man-dies-live-roach-eating-contest-fla-215822212.html

Oh Florida, a silly state chock full of crazies

Edward ate the most cockroaches in a contest

 And as a result he is pushing up daisies

This story is fact, I truly don’t jest.

The exact cause of his death is not known

They must wait for the autopsy result

Who knows what will be written on that tombstone

Hopefully it doesn’t add further insult.

Florida, your residents are a trashy, hickish lot

Death by roach, selling your kid and eating a man’s face

Are just a few of the crazy news stories that you’ve got

Class is something that your beaches just can’t replace.

A man swallowed insect after insect just for a prize

No python is worth death by cockroach in this girl’s eyes.

Haiku #10 It's not always sunny....

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/relationships/danny-devito-rhea-perlman-split-30-years-marriage-161948880.html

Danny and Rhea

The tiny couple is done

30 years and out.

Acrostic #4 Monday

M orning of sadness
O wned by work
N eed a longer weekend
D reading five more days
A accepting reality but
Y earning for the weekend.

Haiku #9 Tacos and Beer

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/going-out-gurus/post/today-is-national-taco-day-and-national-vodka-day/2012/10/04/86a96342-0e38-11e2-a310-2363842b7057_blog.html

Today is national taco day AND national vodka day!  Here is a little haiku about it.

Vodka and tacos

Tasty treats and libations

How I long for you.

Shakespearean Sonnet #5- Ode to Beckham

Tourists are herded out into the Hollywood Hills

They pile into vans and drive all around

 searching for celebrities to get their thrills

But no one could have expected what it is they found.

The van saw a man emerging from the trees

They looked closely and guess what they saw

None other than David Beckham in his skivvies!

It would be enough to make me drop my jaw.

He had been in the woods for a photo shoot

Looking all sexy and cut up and fine

In nothing but his underoos to boot

That experience I wish would have been mine

David Beckham is loved by women from all around the world.

If only that photo shoot would have been for Playgirl!

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/now/david-beckham-gives-van-full-tourists-eyeful-213845401.html

Haiku #8

This is one is straight from the headlines.  People are silly.

Hanging at the beach

Think I'll ride a manatee

Illegal?  Who knew?

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/10/03/14200029-woman-rides-wild-manatee-in-florida-turns-herself-in?lite#__utma=238145375.487469131.1349356849.1349356849.1349356849.1&__utmb=238145375.4.10.1349356849&__utmc=238145375&__utmx=-&__utmz=238145375.1349356849.1.1.utmcsr=google|utmccn=(organic)|utmcmd=organic|utmctr=(not%20provided)&__utmv=238145375.|8=Earned%20By=msnbc%7Cus%20news%7Cweird%20news=1^12=Landing%20Content=Mixed=1^13=Landing%20Hostname=www.msnbc.msn.com=1^30=Visit%20Type%20to%20Content=Earned%20to%20Mixed=1&__utmk=93480670

Shakespearean Sonnet #4

A man in Oregon tends to his farm

as he does each and every day

He disappears and it causes alarm

He's not the type to run away.

His family decides to search to see what clues they can they find

They search the house, the yard and the animal pen

And discover his dentures and body parts mixed in with the swine

Who would thought this story would have such a tragic end?

How this happened, the experts aren’t quite sure

Did he die naturally or did the pigs attack?

But what a way to go mixed in with manure

One thing I know is that those pigs are whack.

He cared for the pigs and his life was taken

Time to kill them all and make some kick ass bacon.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-19796224

Shakespearean Sonnet #3

So today is our two year anniversary and I thought I would write a little something to celebrate.  This is about as romantic as I know how to be.  How people enjoy it enough to justify the embarrassment of writing it.

Today is officially two years since I married my man

In Rehoboth Beach right by the ocean

We proved we can last longer than Hollywood can

Without millions, maids, mansions or any other potion.

So suck it Britney, Kim, Cher and Drew

We may not have your fortune and fame

But we stayed married longer than you

And most would agree that isn’t lame.

We are just simple people together,  living our lives

With good friends and cheap beer we’re two peas in a pod

No drama, no Honey Boo Boo and no sister wives

Just me, my dear husband and his rockin bod.

Two years down and many to go

As long as I don’t catch him with some nappy ass ho!

Haiku #8

Monday Night Football

Why do you start so damn late?

Half time is bed time.

Acrostic #3

Exercise.... It's one of those things that people who know me would think that I would be into and there was a time when I was.  I have always been active and athletic and then...... I got a desk job which zaps your energy and sucks out your soul right out of your body.  Acrostic #3 describes how I am feeling about exercise today.

E vil
X crutiating
E xhausting
R evolting
C ruel
I ntolerable
S ickening
E ndless

Shakespearean Sonnet #2

Yesterday was a beautiful, crisp fall day

We took a ride on the Breakwater Junction bike trail

To help us keep those extra pounds away

A ten mile bike ride we would not fail.

From Lewes to Rehoboth and back we went

The first half of our trip went by great

Riding back against the wind our legs were spent

And we were passed by Bulldog from Ocean 98.

Twenty years older and two times my size

Bulldog sped past like we weren’t moving.

So glad he couldn’t see the shame in my eyes

Knowing their bikes were better still wasn’t soothing.

Bulldog, thank you, for allowing me to see things clear

Time for a lot more exercise and a little less beer.

Acrostic #2

Work week is finally over

Everyone is so happy

Endless possibilities await

Know it isn’t long enough

Each day of freedom passes

Need a three day weekend

Dreading Monday morning

Shakespearean Sonnet #1

The cooler weather is finally here

And my mind turns to one thing

All I want and need is beer

And the happiness it will bring

I muddle my way through the work day

Thinking about this delicious treat

I make it through and earn my pay

And race to my favorite bar seat.

Beer is so good at the change of season

It is cold and crisp and goes down fast

The autumn alkie urge has no rhyme or reason

Though I know that it will not last

Something about this time of year

Fuels my desire for beer beer beer.

Haiku #7

Gangnam style so good

Little tiny Asian man

Make me laugh so hard.

Acrostic #1

W here dreams go to die

O r death comes to your dreams

R etards my mind
K ills my soul

       

Cinquain #2

Kardashian

Beautiful, overexposed

Please go away

Sick of your face

Talentless

Haiku #6

40 days and nights

So damn sick of politics

Election come quick.